"Paying" for a clean house

Have you guys seen the commercial that says " I've taken enough pain pills to send my pharmacist to college", well I think that in the past two days I've taken enough for some kid to go to graduate school! I live in a high rise for old and disabled and was warned two days ago that we were going to have an inspection! I've lived here for almost four months and I don't think I had emptied five boxes! I have enough craft supplies to open a craft store, in a little, tiny, one bedroom apartment. I simply can't get rid of my crafts, because, one day, I'm going to feel like "crafting" again. Well, through a lot of "perserverence" (I think I have told you this before, but my defination of perserverence is "when you are too stupid to know your limitations") I cleaned (you know how I clean, work for ten minutes, sit for an hour and worry about the cleaning, and so forth) for two straight days!!!! What really wore me out was watching my niece do most of the work! (Richard Simmons once said "that to get the full benefit of an exercise video, that you should just watch it first, and not exercise, because, just watching, gets your heart pumping and puts you in the mood to exercise". I want to tell you, watching her absolutely wore me out! I hurt so bad today that I can't lay, sit, but my house looks so good! That gives me such a peace in my heart that I honestly don't care how bad I hurt! Buy the way, we are still waiting for my labwork to come back. My Dr. is also checking my for Cushings' disease, have any of you heard of this? Boy, I bet you think I feel good today, because I'm talking so much. It's the drugs!!!!
Later guys ---Debby

I've walked a mile in your moccacins

It's been a couple of days since I've written, because I went to three doctors, in two days! I am physically wiped out! We have the go ahead, though. Well, sort of. I have to have all my blood work done before the official "go ahead", and I have to have that at the hospital, because, my GP doesn't do some of the tests, and some of them have to be done early in the morning before I have anything to eat. Isn't that funny? I can go in at three or four in the afternoon, when I get up! I decided to stop seeing one of my doctors. He is a psychologist with a masters degree in pain management. He told me that since Drew died over six months ago, my life should be back to normal by now! That there was something wrong with me, because I haven't accepted his death, and gone on with my life! You can't fully understand what someone is going through, unless "you have walked a mile in their moccasins". That's the main reason I like talking to people that truly have FS. You understand, and I understand you!
Later guys -- Debby

GET YOUR DOCTORS' OKAY

Well guys, it looks like we are going to get the ball rolling sooner than I thought. I thought my appointment with my general practitioner was on 28 Jan, but it is on 23 Jan. This is what we have been waiting for!! I am so excited! I don't want to do any thing until it is approved by her. As careful as I have been, taking my meds, drinking more water,etc., boy did I mess up ! I have felt like crap for over two weeks, I have blamed everything from stress, to ginseng, to my sons' girlfriend. You'll never guess what it was ! I went over two weeks without my sugar pill ! I am a diabetic, but I am not on an insulin injection, I take an insulin pill. In my confussion, (probably caused by my stupidity) I forgot to add my pill to my morning pill cocktail. I haven't even been checking my sugar count. When I realized this last night, I checked my sugar, got quite alarmed, took a pill, and felt MUCH better within the hour. HOW STUPID !!! So, if you mistakes during your journey, just tell yourself that Debby messed up and she was being very very careful, and lived to laugh about it !!
Later guys -- Debby

Laughter is the best medicine

Hi Guys - There is a commercial that says "Stress Hurts", I really feel that if you could avoid
ALL stress from our lives, that we wouldn't hurt. After I completely blew up and resolved some of the stressers in my life I, temporarily, fell pretty good. I say temporarily, because there is absolutely no way to completely remove stress, if you care about anything. Do you agree? In the months to come, I am to learn some relaxation techniques other than what I am doing now. I know that prayer works, but sometimes, I can't turn off the "what ifs" and "how comes?" There is an old cliche', "Laughter is the best medicine", and I'm inclined to believe it. When I feel myself going down, mentally, I recall a conversation that Dustin and I had a few weeks ago. I was really depressed,and said "one of things that I'm having trouble with in getting over Drew is, that I didn't get to know him as a sober person, and for that matter, he didn't know me as a sober person". Dustin said "Yes he did mom, and he didn't like you, remember?" I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants! So, if you start feeling low, try to think of something funny. I know it's impossible to think that way when you are on your way down, so find something that makes you laugh on a day that you feel good, so you can use it later. I'm telling you, it helps! Until later -- Debby

Our lives are like a patch-work quilt

Hi guys - I have had two really great days! I have drank more water in the past two days, than I have drank in probably my life. So, between the water and realizing what was causing my stress, I am SO much better - Until I got too sick, and hurt too much to work, about twelve years, I guess, I worked two to three jobs to support my boys. If I had ANY time off, it was given to my boys. There were a few days I would even keep them home from school so we could go to the park, go fishing,etc. My boys were, and are my life! Dustin, my oldest, saw how hard I was working for them, and realized why I was hardly ever home. Drew, my youngest, wasn't old enough to remember me as a working mom. He knew me only as a piece of furniture and a cash cow. He didn't realize that the money that came in the mail every month, was coming because I had worked, he was under the impression that you didn't have to work for your money, you just went to the mailbox. He learned very early on, like most kids, how to manipulate me. Plus, he was at a great advantage. My doctors had me drugged out of my mind. I was like this was for so long, I thought I was thinking clearly, I wasn't messed up, if I were, my speech would be slurred, like the junkies on TV. I asked for years for my medication to be changed, not because it was destroying my brain and my ability to be a good mom, in those areas, I thought I was fine, I wanted different meds because the amount I was taking would probably kill a small horse, but I was in constant pain. It took throwing up for three weeks (bleeding ulcers), going through withdraw, almost going into a diabetic coma (didn't know I was a diabetic), trying to commit suicide and being evicted from my home to get the doctor to change my meds. (He didn't know about the suicide attempt) On my first visit to the doctors' office after this, the nurse practitioner said " I see we finally have you off morphene!" (I had been begging for almost four years, and SHE was trying to take the credit) Boy, am I rambling tonight? The point I'm trying to get to , is, I am having lots of unresolved guilt problems about loosing Drew to the medication that I'm on now. Plus, even though my life was pretty horrific, I guess I am a creature of habit, and hate change. My life was virtually the same for around thirteen years, then, BOOM - I lost my job when I got sick - lost my home - lost my mind on drugs - lost my home again - had to move in with my mom - my sister died of leukymia (she was buried on Drews' 20th birthday) - Drew died 29 June 07 - Dustin rolled his flatbed truck three weeks later - lost my home again (my Mom used "tough love" and asked me to move, losing the only security I had in my life)! The worst change (well maybe not the worst) was that through all of this my mind was clear, and I missed that feeling of being a piece of furniture ! I know that our lives are like a patch-work quilt, and only God knows what the finished quilt looks like, my quilt has many, many pieces, and He isn't finished with me yet ! And you know what? I think it's going to be a very beautiful quilt !!!

Until tomorrow ---- Debby

Thy, not my, will be done

Hi guys - thinking positive, and a lot of prayer, worked ! Today was an absolute gift from God ! I did things today that I usually only dream of doing - I WASHED DISHES -BY HAND - I TOOK MY OWN TRASH OUT ( not an easy feat as I live on the fourth floor, at the end of the hallway, and the garbage goes outside!) I'VE CLEANED,off and on, ALL DAY ! I know ALL days are gifts from God, but here lately, I haven't appreciated them. Have any of you lost a child? I want to tell you, it does something to you that you just can't possibly imagine. In your heart you know that their problems are over and they are in a better place, but in your heart, you want to be there with them. I guess you can tell that I'm really tired. When I'm busy, I can concentrate on what I'm doing and actually have some happy thoughts, but when I'm tired, or hurting, or having a day that I can't make my body move, Drew consumes almost my every thought. That's why I get so frustrated when I have so many days like that together. I know that it sounds like that I'm still in a bad mood, but I'm really not. Just tired (my FAVORITE feeling) and sad. I can certainly live with that ! I am going to wash one more load of dishes, and go to bed. The way my day has gone, I'm even positive that I will be blessed with sleep!
Until tomorrow --- Debby

TALK TO ME !!!

Hey - it's me again! I know that there are people reading this crap that I'm writing -there are two in Europe, which absolutely blows my mind, please leave me comments, talk to me ---Tell me that your life is as messed up as mine or if you like, you can tell me how absolutely wonderful your life is - and rub my nose in it --- Is any thing working for any of you guys?

Debby

____for anyone who has already read this, I edited out a word that came out of my fingers that would not come out of my mouth! If I offended anyone, I am very sorry - I offended myself when I reread it the next day. Again, I am truly sorry!!!

Dustin -- SON OF A BITCH !!!

I have been in the pissiest mood today than I've ever been in my life! Every time I opened my mouth, something came out that I wish I could take right back! Most of the things I said, I meant,but, I don't like to hurt feelings. The only person on earth that truly loves me took the blunt of my evilness, and I am so sorry! My problems should be MY problems, not make him feel like shit! Against his advice, I took an herbal supplement for energy, the only thing it gave energy to, was my mouth! Don't take anything that your doctor or son has not approved, because you, too, could turn into THE DEMON HAIRDRESSER ON FLEET STREET!! And possibly ad credence that your son is a true SON OF A BITCH!! Dustin had me drink three HUGE glasses of water to help flush it out of my system, and I'm better (a little) now. If you don't hear from me for a while, I'll write as soon as I get paroled(kidding), or I'm let out of the nut house (possible).
Nah - I'll talk to you tomorrow - Who knows, it might be a better day - think positive!
Debby

Stress isn't going to kill me-just piss me off!

I don't know whether or not I have told you, but, about a month after my youngest son passed, my other son, Dustin, rolled an eight-teen wheeler (flatbed holding two HUGE coils of sheet metal) and I had to drive seven hours to the hospital that was holding him, not knowing if he was dead or alive. He has been off work since then because of nerve damage in his neck and back. I'm telling you this now because we just found out that it is very possible that he is going back on the road. The wreck he was in was by no means his fault, it was the fault of the road repair people in the state where he wrecked. Mentally, I don't think he is ready. Neither does he! His doctor has released him, so it's out of our hands. Because of this stress, my pain is unbearable, and I can't shut my head up! (I've got the DRUZ really bad) As much as I miss Drew, and I know how he would love to have his brother with him, I can't bear the thought of loosing them both. I know in my heart that it is completely out of my hands and 99% of the things we worry about never happen, but that one% drives a mother crazy. I am drinking alot more water and limiting my cigarettes down to a lot less than I would like to smoke. We're still waiting for the go-ahead from my doctor to start our plan. I know what you are thinking! Yea Right, a truck driver is going to cure his mom with FS, Hypertension,Diabetes and other stuff, But all I can say to you is SIT BACK AND WATCH DEBBY

Perserverance, my butt!

Today has been my least favorite kind of days - I have been awake all day, but I can't make myself do anything! Perserverence my butt! The woman that Kavorkian put down with this disease had to be having one of these days when she met with him, and he must of understood! I hurt so bad that I feel a pluse in my arms and shoulders. Do you ever feel like this? I would talk more but typing is making my wrists and arms burn like they are on fire! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day Debby

NO ONE CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN - BUT YOU

I was right - I wasn't out of bed yesterday song enough to turn the computer on! I know me and I know my body! Have you ever tried to explain to someone how you feel? I don't mean emotionally, I mean physically? GIVE IT UP !!!! Make peace with yourself that NO BODY will understand. Once you come to that conclusion, it's like having a weight lifted off your shoulders.You tell yourself " if they really cared about me, they would understand", "don't they get it, I have NO energy left", "I would love to, (do whatever) but I hurt".GIVE IT UP!!!! No one understands the pain that you are in, except fellow suffers, and another problem is that there are no two people that experience this the same way, so GIVE IT UP -- FREE YOURSELF FROM THIS GRIEF -- Because as you know stress causes just as much pain as overdoing it. I like what my GP said " if you feel like doing something, do it - if you don't, go to bed". If was so wonderful having permission to do what I knew what worked for me. But, there is always a but, I'm tired of existing this way that's why I am in this whole heartily with my son. As for my contribution to the Program, I am now drinking 2-3 glasses of water between each glass of my tea. No, not just tap water, it has to come out of my new Brita filter pitcher that Dustin got me for Christmas. I also received a juicer, a food processor and a vegetable steamer - oh yea I also got a smoothie maker for when I'm a good girl - When I opened these presents, I know right then, that life as I knew it was officially over UH -YEA
I forgot to say one thing earlier, that I wanted to, the best thing that has come out of this change, has been all of the studying and comparing that Dustin has done to start this for me, He GETS it. I hope and pray that he never suffers with this (some studies are showing that this can be hereditary) but maybe he'll have a cure by then. Until tomorrow Debby

Game Plan Ready

Well we finally have a game plan - I am going to spend the next few weeks changing habits. Smoking less, drinking less (tea), drinking water. Everything is about ready to go but, Dustin wants me to get everything validated by one of my doctors. There are a lot of blood tests, urine tests, and he wants all the herbs and vitamins checked out and okayed by her before I actually start taking them. In all sincerety, we (dustin) know what I need to be taking, but as you know, herbs and minerals and vitamins are very expensive, so he has been researching and comparing prices for about the last four weeks non -stop, because when we do this, we want it affordible for everyone. It would break my heart knowing that we could help someone, but they couldn't do it becaue it was cost profibitive. You know as well I that there isn't an insurance company out there that will pay for something that will actually help you, because there won't be any kick-back money from drug companys. So, for the next few weeks, I will only leave you messages that are pertinate to what we are doing, because I don't want to bore you to death. As for my day today, I cut hair half the day, then went grocery shopping, so I have a pretty good idea that I won't be out of bed tomorrow - You know what I'm talking about!! Doesn't it make you mad when you can't get out of bed because of having a "normal" day, then you hurt the next day because of laying in bed all day? There is something wrong with this picture, and we want to fix it! Later guys - Debby

Feelin good today - dreading tomorrow

Hi Guys - I feel better today, I painted two bookcases. I think maybe the weather may play a part in the way I feel, too. It was 70 degrees outside today and beautiful! I know you are wondering why we haven't started on me, but dustin wants everything perfect (food, vitamins, rest, relaxation, etc.) for me before we start. If you have ever researched FS, there are SO many conflicting ideas out there, that it boggles the mind! But, my friends, when he settles on what we are doing, I know in my heart that it will be world changing for us! Some of the things that he has found, just little things, are giving me more "good" days as weeks progress. I will tell you about some of them, as soon as we are sure, that it is what he is telling me to do, making me feel better, not just dumb luck. I will tell you that we are starting a three day cleanse in the next or so. Even with this, he wants to come up with the most natural, healthy way to do it (No Klonics for MaMa). He wants a purely healthy, natural approach to every thing I am to do. Until tomorrow - Debby

blah

Today was a typical, two days after using every ounce of energy in my body, day. I got up at 4pm, went back to bed at 5, woke up at 8:30, watched TV until 10 :30, talked to you somewhere in there and now I'm going back to bed. /debby

LIGHT BULB MOMENTS

After I talked to you last night, I took two pain pills, and cleaned my room! I cleaned for six hours, you know the drill, clean five minutes, plan to clean for an hour, clean for ten minutes, plan for another hour - at this rate, my room may be done by June or July. Today I have been paying for it, I hurt really bad and if I take enough pain pills to feel better, I would go to sleep. But I am so proud of myself for at least accomplishing something, I just take something for my nerves, and revel in my accomplishment. I talked Dustin into forgoing the "quitting smoking thing" for now. I, truthfully am not ready to quit smoking, but I am definetely ready to feel better! I have so many days that I just sit and hurt, I hurt so bad especially in my arms and shoulders, that I can't even crochet. So, I want my cigarettes to keep me company. So, a new plan is in the works, and I'll keep you posted as to what we're doing. I want to ask you guys something. When did YOU know that there was "something wrong"? I had two ( as Oprah says "lightbulb moments") First, I was walking through the mall and all of a sudden, it felt like I was walking through water up to my waist - and secondly, when I was teaching beauty school, one of my students walked up behind me and started rubbing my shoulders, I burst into tears because of the pain this caused. Oh yeah, something else, I got out of a pool about twenty years ago, and found that I could hardly walk. In the past, when getting out, I felt almost weightless, but this day, it felt like each leg weighed 500 lbs. (by the way how do they get LBS from pounds?) What are some of the things that happened to you? And are you SURE you have FS? There are SO many doctors that label, or diagnose, people with this and they simply DON'T have it. If you have been diagnosed with it make sure you are dealing with a reputible diagonistition. I have said way too much tonight, but, as in my real life, the better I feel, the more I talk. Whether it's with my mouth or my fingers!! Until tomorrow - DEBBY

Pitty Party - Everyone welcome !

Hi guys - today was a typical day for me. I got out of bed at 3 pm, fought going back to bed until 7pm, and the bed won ! I laid there until 8:30 but the pain and tingling from head to toe kept me from going to sleep. I love to sleep!! I HATE IT !! I mean, I hate loving to sleep so much! But it is usually a wonderful escape. I just wish I could turn my brain off as often as my stupid body shuts down, then I think I would sleep around the clock so I wouldn't have to deal with the life that I have been dealt. I lay in bed thinking - I wish my house was clean - I wish I could clean it - I wish somebody would clean it - I shouldn't be feeling so damned sorry for myself - I have so much to be thankful for - I wish my dishes were done - I plan out how I want to arrange my new apartment (it's just two rooms) - I convince myself that I'm going to get out of bed and do SOMETHING, so I get up, pee, fix myself a glass of tea, then watch TV until it's late enough to go to bed without feeling guilty that's it's too early to go to bed. Swearing to myself that when I get up tomorrow MORNING (haha) I'm going to get alot done. Until tomorrow DEBBY

Yes I'm still smoking

I'VE GOT THE DRUZ - why my son wants me well

I really haven't told you any thing about me, but maybe by doing so, you will have a better understanding of why Dustin (older son) wants to change my life, and why I am giving him full control. On June 29th, 2007, my youngest son, Drew, died of an accidental overdose of two of the medications that had been prescribed for me. He was only 20 years old! Not only is he in my every thought, each time I take, or apply medication, I think, this sh*t killed my son and it sure as hell isn't helping me. I received a copy of his autopsy in the mail today which put me in bed (you guys with FS know what I'm talking about, stress hurts - severe stress puts you down) . And give up on trying to explain this to a non-sufferer, I am so sick of hearing "work through your pain" - "persevere" - " it can't be that bad" and many other words of comfort. If I could lift my arm, I would slap them! Wish me luck with the cigarettes, so far I'm doing pretty well, BECAUSE I CAN !!! Until Tomorrow -- Debby

The more I think about it - The more I want it !

To all you non-smokers and previous smokers, I salute you ! I have tried so many times in the past to quit. I will quit for a week or three then, BAM gotta have it! But this time is different, I have a whole different mind set. This isn't the end of something that I have depended on for almost thirty years, it's a whole new beginning to a healthy life! I know all you smokers are saying, BS.-- So much has happened to me and mine this year, I think that it's time to start thinking, and doing, a lot differently to get healthy and to stay as sane as possible. Until tomorrow! DEBBY

Day 1 - Change of plans

Well, I'm aloud to eat for awhile longer. Dustin, my son, has decided to conquer one battle (which means, get rid of my favorite things), first. So, first I have to quit smoking !!! Just thinking about it makes me want to smoke three at a time ! So, as soon as I can do this, my next best friend goes, iced tea! Since I know he's right, and I love him, I'll comply! I'll talk to you tomorrow, I'm going to go smoke a cigarette and drink a big glass of iced tea! DEBBY

LIFE AS I KNOW IT IS OVER TOMORROW!!!!!!!

I am about to eat my "Last Supper" ! Starting tomorrow I am turning my life over to my son, Dustin. I have been in pain for over twenty years. Doctors have tried to give me a "better life through meds", and while doing so, they have robbed me of any quality of life that I might have had. For years I have complained to my doctors that the pain medication that they (a series of many doctors) had me on was not helping my pain. Instead of trying another medication, the level of opiates they had me on was increased. After a while, I was a "sort of functioning" zombie! I'll tell you about me and my life on a later date, but, for now,I just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Debby, and my son loves me so much that he wants me to be around for a long time, and feel better so I will want to be around. He feels that changing my diet, and lifestyle changes, will do more for me in a year, that my doctors couldn't do in over twenty. I love my son so much (by the way, I think my son is a genious!) I am giving him full power over what goes in my body for 365 days, and by doing so, I really think that I will feel better, maybe even be healed, and I want to share this with the world for two reasons. One- I know there are a lot of people in the same situation that I am in and this will help them, too. Number two - IF THE WORLD IS WATCHING - I CAN'T CHEAT !!!! Talk to you, later. WISH ME LUCK ---DEBBY