Our lives are like a patch-work quilt

Hi guys - I have had two really great days! I have drank more water in the past two days, than I have drank in probably my life. So, between the water and realizing what was causing my stress, I am SO much better - Until I got too sick, and hurt too much to work, about twelve years, I guess, I worked two to three jobs to support my boys. If I had ANY time off, it was given to my boys. There were a few days I would even keep them home from school so we could go to the park, go fishing,etc. My boys were, and are my life! Dustin, my oldest, saw how hard I was working for them, and realized why I was hardly ever home. Drew, my youngest, wasn't old enough to remember me as a working mom. He knew me only as a piece of furniture and a cash cow. He didn't realize that the money that came in the mail every month, was coming because I had worked, he was under the impression that you didn't have to work for your money, you just went to the mailbox. He learned very early on, like most kids, how to manipulate me. Plus, he was at a great advantage. My doctors had me drugged out of my mind. I was like this was for so long, I thought I was thinking clearly, I wasn't messed up, if I were, my speech would be slurred, like the junkies on TV. I asked for years for my medication to be changed, not because it was destroying my brain and my ability to be a good mom, in those areas, I thought I was fine, I wanted different meds because the amount I was taking would probably kill a small horse, but I was in constant pain. It took throwing up for three weeks (bleeding ulcers), going through withdraw, almost going into a diabetic coma (didn't know I was a diabetic), trying to commit suicide and being evicted from my home to get the doctor to change my meds. (He didn't know about the suicide attempt) On my first visit to the doctors' office after this, the nurse practitioner said " I see we finally have you off morphene!" (I had been begging for almost four years, and SHE was trying to take the credit) Boy, am I rambling tonight? The point I'm trying to get to , is, I am having lots of unresolved guilt problems about loosing Drew to the medication that I'm on now. Plus, even though my life was pretty horrific, I guess I am a creature of habit, and hate change. My life was virtually the same for around thirteen years, then, BOOM - I lost my job when I got sick - lost my home - lost my mind on drugs - lost my home again - had to move in with my mom - my sister died of leukymia (she was buried on Drews' 20th birthday) - Drew died 29 June 07 - Dustin rolled his flatbed truck three weeks later - lost my home again (my Mom used "tough love" and asked me to move, losing the only security I had in my life)! The worst change (well maybe not the worst) was that through all of this my mind was clear, and I missed that feeling of being a piece of furniture ! I know that our lives are like a patch-work quilt, and only God knows what the finished quilt looks like, my quilt has many, many pieces, and He isn't finished with me yet ! And you know what? I think it's going to be a very beautiful quilt !!!

Until tomorrow ---- Debby